It's been a really long while since I've sat down and started punching on my keyboard to write my feelings out here; but... I guess I'm kinda back? hehe
It's already 2021 and I'm here still jobless and clueless of what I am capable of doing; but what I do know is that I want to continue believe that everything will be okay. The pandemic has been the cause for putting my journey of exploration to a halt and of course, it feels bad. It made me think that i've graduated at a wrong time and from a wrong major (i'm a hotel management major so...) as the pandemic starts getting worse each day. I've got no Plan B that could help me get back on track so here am I writing my selfish feelings down at the very least.
The pandemic has been going on for a year and a half I suppose. I spent one of my birthdays at home with my family and had never gone out to hang with my friends as much as I wanted to after the graduation. I never got to experience what post-graduation life feels like either. All I did was stay at home, watch Korean and Chinese drama, playing Genshin Impact to fill the emptiness and just filling my mouth when my tummy grumbles, and not to mention waking up at 12 noon every single day to make myself believe I only have half a day to spend so I can reduce the amount of time staring on UV screens. It's the worst habitual living you could ever experience I have to say. though some would think it's the life but personally, it's not at all. you'll feel groggy and restless every single day no doubt, trust me.
You might be wondering; why don't you start a business or try to be productive then? well, I did try to start a mini online business selling handmade pouches and bags but as you can already guessed it; it's not doing well. The reasons could be maybe people just didn't like what I'm selling or maybe I'm really not meant to be an entrepreneur... or maybe both. if you ask about productivity; I tried but it's not working well either. I started opening my YouTube channel in 2019 November and well... since i'm not as 'famous' or even that humorous, view counts and subscribers are a big challenge for me. Not to mention the lack of resources to make a good video. I do enjoy making my own videos but I'm still lacking in confidence and resources so productivity to me; is a 'luxury' I would say just because if I have the resources, productivity would naturally come to me and as of current; no money to invest on resources, no productivity.
What about other productive activities that you could try? tried it my friends but it's not as effective as it seems. be it trying to put on makeup at home just to take an instagram picture, or to try find a job that I could be satisfied with is difficult for a fresh grad like me. Since you already know I'm still stuck on what I am capable of doing and what I'd like to do in the future in my department of 'career'.
People reading this might have a 50/50 percent chance of scoffing at me, disagreeing with what I say or just saying I'm plain lazy, 'she's just complaining' and guess what? maybe I am being lazy because I don't feel good about myself at all. The doubts and insecurities keeps adding up as the case increases each passing day. I can't do anything but to hold on to that tiny speck of hope and trust that the pandemic will end soon so I can start getting back on what I do best; going to the outside world and make videos or just trying to figure out what I can contribute to the outside world. BUT of course, I'm still trying to do different things each day to feel better.
I know this is not happening to me alone too. I can't give to those experiencing similar feelings as me advices to overcome them but I can at least sympathise with you guys out there and hope that this little sympathy passage of sharing how i feel selfishly helps you just a little. all I can say is, try to make yourself feel better by listening to music to hype yourself up sometimes. grab onto that hope because who knows? a miracle might happen, maybe. (just smile everyday, at least you'll feel better about yourself cause that's what I do hehe)
xoxo
sincerely, shannon.
